Psychological Self-help Materials

Provides do-it-yourself techniques for reducing negative feelings, changing unwanted behaviors, coping with stress, and increasing desirable actions.

Psychological Self-help Materials These materials are adapted from my Adjustment:Theory research, and practice (BrooksCole) and from materials given to my clients. The copyright to this material is held by me. However, the material can be duplicated and used for personal use, for clients in therapy, or for educational purposes, so long as attribution is given. If reproduced for commercial purposes, please contact me first.

Self-help materials work best when you feel that you are basically functioning okay but would like to function better. If you have problems that are significantly interfering with your life, and especially if you are thinking about hurting yourself or someone else, it is better to get professional help. Getting help doesn't mean that you are giving up but, on the contrary, that you are actively taking charge of your own life. If you are already seeing a professional, you may still find these materials helpful. I would recommend showing them to your therapist or psychiatrist before you use them to make sure the suggestions don't conflict with the therapist's program.

Anxiety

General Info

Fear is usually our ally-it tells us that something is wrong which needs fixing, and it helps us run fast. But sometimes we feel fear when there is no danger, and in situations where there's nothing to run away from. The fear isn't telling us anything we need to know. We're not afraid of something, we're just afraid. That's when we call it anxiety. It can make us feel pretty miserable.

We generally experience anxiety when we get physiological arousal (heart rate and blood pressure are up, breathing is rapid, muscles are tense) combined with fearful thoughts ("Wouldn't it be terrible if"). Sometimes people hold their breath, or breathe with rapid, shallow breaths, or clinch their fists, or tighten up muscles when they are anxious. These actions can make the feeling worse.

Panic attacks are episodes of anxiety so intense that people sometimes mistake them for heart attacks. Sufferers may say things like "I felt like I was about to die." Some people mainly notice the emotional symptoms like fear, while others might notice physical symptoms more. Panic attacks are probably one of the worst things that people experience--those who don't have panic attacks have trouble appreciating just how dreadful they are. These episodes are so bad that many sufferers spend a lot of their time worrying about having another one. Which produces more anxiety.

Sometimes the panic attacks are experienced in particular situations, like in crowds of people, or large stores. Sometimes they just seem to come out of nowhere. Some people feel like they are anxious all the time, but if they keep records, they usually find that some times are worse and some better than others.

People with anxiety problems often worry about the fact that they are anxious. For instance, they worry that they are "going crazy." They are not. Anxiety problems feel bad, but there's nothing wrong with your mind, and the problems aren't an early warning sign of psychosis. A lot of people with panic attacks worry about having an attack in public, and are concerned about what other people will think. But actually, to other people the experience is usually not all that noticeable-observers might think "he must have a headache, " but they're usually too absorbed in their own problems to notice anything about you.

When you have an anxiety problem, your mind wants to worry about something, so it looks for things. And more often than not, it worries about something that isn't true, or isn't that much of a problem. You have to use your brain against mood, your reason against the fear, so that you can say "Oh, that's just the anxiety jabbering on."

There are a lot of possible causes for anxiety and panic attacks. In many cases, it's hard to tease out exactly what triggered the symptoms in the first place. Fortunately, we don't have to know that to do something about it.

Professional Treatment

Anxiety and panic attack disorders have a good "prognosis." Most people get better once they get treatment.

The first step should be to get a physical exam, because some medical conditions (and even some medications) can produce symptoms of anxiety. Assuming there aren't any physical conditions, or those are being treated, a number of approaches for dealing with the anxiety itself are available.

1. Medication-Several drugs, like Valium and Xanax, will reduce symptoms in the short run. The problem is that they tend to lose effectiveness in the long run, and may even make symptoms worse. [The same problem comes up when people try to "self-medicate" with alcohol or various illegal drugs-the problem tends to get worse in the long run.]

But there are a number of medications that do offer longer term solutions. Oddly enough, most of these are called "anti-depressants." They typically take three weeks or more to work. There are many possible medications available, and it is usually possible to match an individual with one which will be effective and have few side effects. Do keep your physician informed about both benefits and problems with any drugs you take. Do not abruptly stop taking one of these medications on your own, as that can sometimes trigger worse problems. Psychiatrists are the physicians who specialize in problems like anxiety.

2. Psychological therapy-Talking with a mental health professional can be very helpful. Some techniques, such as the cognitive-behavioral approach, are particularly powerful.

Do-it-yourself approaches

There are some things you can do yourself to help your other treatment work faster. Since anxiety results from a combination of physiological arousal and certain thinking styles, the two main approaches are physical relaxation and changing the way you talk to yourself.

a. Relaxation-Physical relaxation can help counteract anxiety. You can help yourself relax by taking a deep breath, holding it for three seconds, and letting it out very slowly while you let your shoulders slump and allow your whole body to kind of go limp. Then resume regular breathing. You can do this without anybody noticing that you've done anything. Practice this when you are feeling relatively good, or perhaps noticing just a little bit of anxiety. Gradually work your way up to more difficult situations, using the technique when you first notice the symptoms beginning. Your skill will get stronger with time.

You might try using this "deep breath" approach several times during the day-perhaps in the driveway at home before you get on the highway, in the parking lot when you get to work, at mid-morning, noon, and mid-afternoon, in the parking lot at the end of the day before you get back onto the road, and again in the driveway at home. Also, you might try the deep breath technique anytime you notice that you're starting to feel a little anxious. If you are in one situation where you felt a little uptight, be sure to use the deep breath before you go to the next situation. The idea is to keep anxiety from building up as the day goes on. Also, during the day, look for needless muscle tension, like gripping the wheel too tight on the road, and relax it away.

If you have a more elaborate relaxation technique like meditation, you might go through it in the morning before you start your day, and again in the evening, perhaps at bedtime. One simple technique pioneered by Benson is to recline on a bed or easy chair, close your eyes, and mentally think the word "one" each time you breath out. You keep doing this until you feel deeply relaxed. [This is a good technique to use when going to sleep.]

b. Self-talk-You can do a lot to control your mood by controlling your thoughts. If you notice you are feeling tense, look at what you are thinking. If you are thinking about a problem, ask yourself what you can do to make things better. Once you have made plans, or have decided that you are already doing everything possible, start thinking about something else. [Talk to somebody, read a magazine, change stations on the radio-count trees if you have to, or count backwards from 100 by 3s (100, 97, uh94). The idea is to crowd out useless worrying once you've done your problem solving.]

"What-can-I-do-about-this-situation" type thoughts do not make you feel more anxious, even if you're thinking about some terrible problem. But thoughts like "Ain't it awful, " or "I can't stand it, " or "Wouldn't it be terrible if" will make you feel much worse without helping to solve the problem. Worry won't pay the bills, or speed up the slow driver in front of you, or fix what's wrong. So if you are thinking about a problem, be thinking about a possible solution or else get your mind on something going on around you.

The big key is to avoid brooding. Even when you have a genuinely serious problem, it's okay to think about something else once you've done your problem solving. There's nothing magic about worry. It makes you feel worse, but it doesn't protect you. It's alright to turn the problem loose for a while and cut yourself a little slack.

For people with anxiety and panic attack problems, certain thinking patterns are particularly likely to help or hurt. It helps to keep reminding yourself that, while the anxiety might feel bad, it's not a warning or signal. Once you've checked once for possible dangers (for instance, you got your medical checkup, so you know you're not really about to die) you don't have to keep checking. You tell yourself "Yeah, this feels bad, but there's nothing wrong."

Ironically, one of the things that hurts panic attack sufferers is worrying about having a panic attack-the worry increases anxiety. Tell yourself that if you have one you have one, and you'll be in for several minutes of misery, but you're not going to waste any time thinking about them if you're not in the middle of one. If you were afflicted with a medical condition that produced bursts of intense pain from time to time, that would be pretty miserable. But you'd learn how not to let it dominate your life. You'd get on with your usual activities, and if you had a burst of pain you'd sit until it passed, then proceed with your business. It may help to think of your panic attacks like that-temporary disruptions, but not major events.

Another thinking pattern that hurts panic attack sufferers is worrying about what other people will think if they have an attack in public. Remind yourself that the episodes aren't nearly as dramatic for other people as they are for you. Sure, you'll feel bad for awhile, but it's not going to be a problem for someone else.

In other words, you identify the thoughts that go along with anxiety or panic, and you come up with some ways to talk back to the thoughts.

For more tips on using this "thinking" approach, check out the self-talk section. Managing Stress With "Self-talk"

c. "Exposure"-One way to overcome anxiety is to face up to the things that make you afraid. It's the old "if you fall off a horse, get right back on" bit. If you are afraid in large stores, keep going to them. If you are uncomfortable around other people, keep dropping in on social gatherings. If you're afraid to leave the house, force yourself to do so. Over time, the fear goes away. Of course you can do this in small doses to make it easier for yourself--kind of ease into the scary situation at your own pace. For example-if you become anxious when you go to large stores, you could drive to the parking lot of the store without going in, or walk up to the front door without entering, or walk in, quickly wander around, and leave without actually shopping. The important thing is to keep exposing yourself to the thing that frightens you until you feel comfortable.

Depression

What are the symptoms? (partial list)

1, Sad feelings-When you are depressed, you feel incredibly sad, and sometimes irritable or angry. People who have not been clinically depressed usually do not understand just how severe and miserable it can be. William Styron said that if depression were visible, you'd be in a full body cast.

2. Hopelessness-You not only feel bad, but you think that you will always feel this way. You believe that nothing you can do will make any difference. But, depressions lift-depression has a very good prognosis. The hopelessness is a symptom, but it is not a fact. You have to use your mind against your mood in depression; when the depression says "everything's hopeless, " you have to reply "No it's not! The facts say I'll get out of this and feel better."

3. Low energy-The simplest things seem to take enormous effort. You feel tired all the time, and may feel like staying in bed.

4. No enjoyment-Nothing seems to bring pleasure. Not only aren't you happy right now, you can't think of anything that would please you. You may think that nothing will ever make you happy again-but this is a lie that depression tries to tell you. People who are depressed do get better, and enjoy life as much as ever.

5. Trouble concentrating and making decisions-You may have trouble following conversations, or reading, or even paying attention to a TV show. Also, you may have trouble making up your mind on the simplest decisions.

6. Sleep and appetite disturbances-You may have trouble getting to sleep, or sleeping too much. You may find no food appealing, or you may eat too much.

7. Self-blame, blaming others-You may think that everything is your fault, that you are just no good. Or, you may spend a lot of time thinking about how bad other people are

Important things to know

You will not feel like this forever. You need to hold on through this miserable time, because better times are coming. Feeling hopeless, believing that the future will always be bad, is a symptom, not the reality. Some people who are depressed think about suicide. They don't generally want to die, but they are afraid this awful feeling will never end. But that is one of depression's big lies. Everybody I have ever worked with who thought about suicide was afterwards glad that they had endured, because they reached the point where they were enjoying life again. Research shows that depression has a very good prognosis.

Depression is not the same thing as being crazy. You can still reason, and you are in touch with reality. The problem is with your mood.

Professional help

Both medication and "talking therapy" are effective for depression. A number of different anti-depressant drugs are available, and a good fit can be found for most patients. These medications can sometimes take three weeks or more before the benefits become apparent. So it is important to give a medication time to work before giving up on it. Side effects may show up before the benefits, but often decline with time. Do not abruptly stop taking one of these medications on your own, as that can sometimes trigger deeper depression. Because there are so many alternatives, it is usually possible to find a medication for each individual that relieves depression with minimal side effects. It is important to talk with your physician about any problems, previous experiences with medications, and so on. While many physicians prescribe anti-depressant medication, psychiatrists are the ones with the greatest expertise. If you prefer not to be on medication, or would like to be on it for as short a time as possible, discuss this with your physician.

Psychological therapy is effective with depression, either alone or combined with medication. Many different therapies are effective, but the cognitive-behavioral and interpersonal therapies have particularly impressive research.

What you can do on your own

If depression is severe enough to affect your life, and especially if you are having suicidal thoughts, you should get professional help. But there are a number of things you can do on your own to help, even if you are seeing a therapist (be sure to let the therapist know what you're doing).

First, force yourself to be active. When you are depressed you have no energy and nothing sounds like fun. If friends invite you out, you would rather be alone. What you really feel like doing is staying in bed with the covers pulled over you, brooding about all of the things wrong with your life--or with you, or with the people around you. But with depression, you have to act as though you felt better than you do. Do things even though you're not in the mood. Make yourself get out of bed, leave the house. Accept social invitations even though you know you won't enjoy it. Talk on the phone even though you don't want to. Make yourself participate in conversations with those around you even though it seems pointless. Make eye contact with the people around you, respond to what they are saying. The activity brings you out of depression faster, and then you really do feel like doing things.

Physical exercise is especially helpful. Walk, jog, ride a bike, anything. If you used to have an exercise routine, this is a good time to get back into it.

Be patient with yourself. You may find you cannot do nearly as much as you used to do. But give yourself credit for what you do. If you had trouble getting out of bed and doing household chores, but you did it anyway, good for you. Do a little bit more than you think you can do, and recognize that you are doing something difficult.

Second, do your best to stop brooding. The depression will try to make you run your troubles and shortcomings through your head over and over and over again. Do your best to keep your mind on what's going on around you. One reason activity and social contact help is probably because they distract you, help to break up the brooding. Think about problems only long enough to plan a course of action, then make yourself to think about something else. It is difficult to stop thinking about something, so start thinking about a different topic. "Change the channel." Talk to someone, get busy with an activity, pet a dog. If you're driving, literally change the channel on the radio (audio books are very helpful). Carry a book or something else to do during times when you get stuck in line or in a waiting room. If you have to, count trees, make poker hands out of car tags, count backwards from 100 by 3s (100, 97, uh94). The idea is to occupy the mind so that there is no space for brooding.

Third, remember that depression distorts things so that you think they are worse than they really are. Being depressed is like wearing dark glasses-everything looks more hopeless, you feel more inadequate, your accomplishments more meager, the people around you meaner and more uncaring, than is really the case. Don't do a lot of self-evaluation or make major decisions when you're depressed. Wait until you feel better.

Fourth, don't use alcohol or other "recreational" drugs. They might make you feel better temporarily, but they have a way of making you more depressed long term, and some react badly with medications.

Fifth, you might want to limit the time you spend on the computer, especially if it keeps you from talking with people. When you are depressed, you are tempted to "isolate" or stay by yourself, and spending a lot of time on the computer can be a way of doing that.

This is wonderful advice, and will work like a charm, but

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Sleep Problems
• Disagreeing Agreeably
• Managing Stress With "Self-talk"
• Increasing Kindness, Decreasing Harshness
• Honest Self-esteem

Sleep Problems

3. Do not do anything else in bed besides sleep and sex. Do your work somewhere else. If you have a small home and must work in bed, use a different position-for instance, sitting on side of bed, or with head at foot of bed. Again, you're trying to develop a sleep signal.

4. Do not worry while in bed. This is a key technique for most people with sleep problems. Many find that their minds start to race once they lay down, or they might wake up in the middle of the night with worries on their mind. You want to keep yourself from worrying once you lie down. And just how do you do that?! Fill your head with something besides worry.

Keep a lamp and something easy to read beside your bed. If you start to worry, turn on the light and read (or look at pictures in a magazine) until your eyes start to flutter. Then turn out the light. If your mind is racing so fast that you can't concentrate on the page, get up and sit in a chair across the room until your mind settles down again. (Do not get on the computer, or do chores, or watch TV. These things will awaken you further and keep you up longer.) Once your mind has settled down, go back and get in bed again.

You may feel silly doing this, and it will probably not work tonight. But if you will stick with the program for about a week, then your mind will turn off instead of turning on when you lie down. The idea is to make your bed a worry-free zone. When you lie down to sleep, you are off-duty, and have served your time for the day.

5. Use relaxation techniques. There are many techniques for achieving deep relaxation, including self-hypnosis and meditation. If you already have such a technique, use it when you get in bed. It will help you get to sleep, and will minimize bad dreams or night terrors.

If you do not already have a relaxation technique, here are a couple of easy ones. 1) Take a deep breath, hold it three seconds, let it out slowly. As you let the breath out, let your shoulders slump and your whole body relax. 2) Benson wrote a book called The Relaxation Response, which is a useful approach. The short version is this: each time you breathe out, mentally think the word "one." This probably helps to break up worry. You can think of it as "the poor man's meditation, " that is, a quick way to achieve some of the benefits of meditation.

6. Do your best to avoid worry during the day. Think about problems only if you're thinking about a possible course of action that might make things better. You might look at the material in the Managing Stress With "Self-talk" section for tips. If you are relatively stress-free during the day, it will be easier to get a night's sleep.

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Sleep Problems
• Disagreeing Agreeably
• Managing Stress With "Self-talk"
• Increasing Kindness, Decreasing Harshness
• Honest Self-esteem

Disagreeing Agreeably

Put two saints in the same apartment and you will have disagreements. St. Francis is going to want to have birdseed sitting out on the counter for ready use, and St. Brendan is going to want to keep everything stowed away and shipshape. Sts. Joseph and Xavier will not agree on how to hang the toilet paper. The point is, any two people on the face of the earth will disagree with each other about how to do things. Now disagreements can be situations of risk.. But disagreements don't have to be disagreeable, and they don't have to turn into arguments.

Many people avoid speaking up about what they want, because they're trying to be nice and because they're afraid any difference of opinion will lead to a blowup. Problem is, resentment tends to build up if you don't speak up. And it usually shows one way or another-snide remarks, eye-rolling, unpleasant facial expressions, or "whatever-ing" anybody within earshot. Some people rarely disagree openly with others, but when they do finally speak up they blow up. Others drive those around them crazy by continually dropping vague hints or letting people know they disapprove of what's going on without coming right out with what they want instead.

A better approach is to be quick to disagree-just let other folks know that you want them to do something other than what they are doing or planning to do. Most people need to disagree more often than they do now. But it is important to use the style that is least likely to hurt feelings or start an argument. Which just happens to be the style most likely to get you what you want. It's called.

Assertiveness

When you're assertive, all you're doing is letting other people know what you'd like for them to do for you. You're asking for a favor, not making a demand or fussing at them. If they do what you ask, they can feel good about themselves.

Assertiveness gives you a third choice, something to do instead of being aggressive (saying or doing things to make other person feel bad), or passive (keeping quiet and saying nothing even though you have an objection). It gives you a way to speak up politely-and to disagree agreeably.

Being assertive will get you your own way more often than being passive or being hostile. But the odd thing is, other people often like it too. They don't have to "mind-read" to figure out what you want, or worry that they might accidentally say the wrong thing around you and make you "go off." They know that you'll be quick to speak up if you're unhappy, and that you won't be rude about it.

Some evidence suggests that people can learn to be assertive by practicing on their own, after simply reading about it.

The basics

Stripped down, the assertive approach goes like this:

"Here's what you're doing;

Here's why I'm having a problem with it;

Here's what I'd rather you do instead.

(or, "Here's what I'd like you to do next time").

It's a simple approach, but the details are important.

1. You're not telling someone what's wrong with them ("Hey Francis, you know what your problem is?"). You're not putting them down or name calling or talking about their personal characteristics ("Yo Xavier, you're just plain unreasonable." You're really sloppy, Joe;" "You're a bum, Brendan;" "You're sneaky, Pete, " you're diss-ing me, Diogenes.").

Instead, you're focusing on action-"Here's what you did." If, for instance, you go home and find vestments all over the floor, don't start criticizing the other person " Instead, simply say "You left the clothes on the floor." In other words, matter-of-factly describe the action you are unhappy with. ("Just the facts, Ma'm." Play Spock from Star Trek.)

2. Now if you want to explain why what they are doing is a problem, use "I" language instead of "you" language. Not "you make me mad" but "I get upset when you do that." Not "you're doing something wrong" but "I've got a problem." Not "you're a slob" but "I get antsy when clothes are on the floor."

Avoid any discussion of whose fault it is-even if you're the one who's "wrong, " you still want them to do something for you. Even if you're the one who's "right, " you want to focus on asking for a favor, not on trying to make them feel guilty. Don't attempt to prove you're right and they're wrong. In fact, steer clear of words like "right" and "wrong" when you're talking about someone else's actions-once those words are used, people get defensive and they won't change. You're not judging or condemning the other person when you're being assertive, just asking them to do something for you.

3. Always be sure to tell the person what the favor is-Instead of just fussing, you let the person know precisely what they can do at this point to make you happy, or what you'd like to see them do the next time something similar comes up.

The focus is always on the present or the near future, never on the past. The focus is always on some action you'd like to see the person take now. Most folks will do all kinds of favors for you. However, they'd rather die than admit they're wrong, so don't back them into a corner. An apology is the most difficult thing of all to get from somebody, so don't bother. Spend your energy getting something that will do you some good.

4. When you are assertive, you're direct. You're not dropping hints or beating around the bush. You're not sighing heavily, or slamming doors, or saying "whatever." You're certainly not asking "why are you doing that?" [If you ask "why, " you've asked them to defend themselves, and once you make people give reasons for what they're doing they're less likely to change.] Instead, when you're being assertive, you "cut to the chase" by telling them what they can do for you right now to help you out.

5. In any disagreement, ask yourself what the other person would do if you got your way. How would they act differently if you won? Ask them to do this for you, using an assertive style-- meaning a request focused on action, not a discussion of who's to blame.

If you don't have anything you want the other person to do (because she's the one who's bent out of shape), ask her what you can do at this point to make her happy, or what she would like you to do the next time this comes up. If you don't mind doing whatever it is that she wants, be nice and do it for her even if it doesn't make much sense to you, or even if you don't think it's your job. If you'd rather not do it, that's worth a disagreement. If, for instance, somebody wants you to stand on one legwell, that's dumb, but it don't hurt. Stand on one leg for them. If they want you to run your head into the walldon't do that.

The point is not whether it makes sense, or whether you should have to do it. If you don't mind, it don't matter. You've got no problem. If you do mind, that's worth discussing.

6. But here's the bottom line-if you're not trying to get them to do something, and they can't figure out what they want you to do, drop the disagreement. From that point on, the discussion is just noise. Good disagreements are about actions-who's going to do what-not about who's right or wrong, or who's stupid or inconsiderate. And always be sure you know what the disagreement is about.

Good disagreements are frequent, they are focused on who will do what, and they are brief--with no personally hurtful things said and no orders given.

Here are a few more tips for handling disagreements.

First, I'd like to see you speaking up even about little things-if you're used to letting people know your wishes on routine matters, you won't get stressed out when you speak up about something that is important to you.

If the person does what you ask-and I think you'll be pleased how often people will do things for you if you use the assertive style-thank them (they're more likely to do it again). But the technique isn't magic, and it won't work every time.

So what do you do if they don't do what you ask?

Well, you don't have to fight them. If you think that you have to force people to do what you ask, then you'll keep quiet far too often, and resentment will build, because not many issues are worth a fight. In reality-and this is awfully important-YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE PEOPLE DO WHAT YOU ASK. All you've done is ask for a favor.

So what do you really do if assertiveness doesn't work?

If you ask assertively and they don't do what you ask, it's okay to just drop the issue if it's not that important. [I would suggest you give yourself a mental pat-on-the-back for trying-it will keep you using the approach long enough to get results.]

If the request is more important to you, and they don't comply ("Pick up the clothes?! You're not the boss of me."), simply repeat your request, tell the person that this really matters to you and you'd appreciate it if they would help you. ["Okay, but if you would pick them up, it sure would make me happy."] Then back off for now. Sometimes they'll come around once they've had time to calm down.

Only rarely do you have to make someone do something you've asked, or arrange for consequences if they don't do it. Sure, if you're a parent, you've got to make your child mind. Even so, begin with an assertive request-it's a good childrearing technique, because it helps children understand why they're being asked to do certain things ("If you run around screaming, the grown folks can't talk, so I'd like you to sit in this chair and play with these toys until I tell you to get up."). But if the child doesn't comply after being assertively asked, the parent might have to provide consequences such as making the kid go to her room.

Yeah, if you're the supervisor at work, you do have to make the frontline employees follow instructions. Even so, begin with an assertive request-it's a good management tool which helps the employee understand why the request is being made (Joe, when you do it like that, it throws everybody else behind. It'll really help us if you'll). True, the supervisor might have to eventually arrange consequences if the employee won't comply after being assertively asked, but the supervisor doesn't have to start by making threats.

The bottom line is that you usually do not have to force other adults to do what you ask. Nevertheless, be quick to speak up and ask for what you want, assertively. Doesn't cost a dime, and a simple request is often all it takes.

Win-win solutions

Usually, if both people are assertive-which means talking about specific actions instead of abstract principles-it is possible to work out a win-win solution where both people get exactly what they want. [Tell you what, Francis. What if you keep the birdseed on the counter by the door, but you put it in those little Tupperware thingies?] In many cases, scheduling works wonders-for instance, if you leave early you can go to the mall like the other person wants, but still have time to catch that singer you wanted to hear at the local nightclub. But if you start arguing about whether shopping or entertainment is the bigger waste of money, you'll rattle on for a long time and neither of you will get to do what you want.

Rating how important it is

On the rare occasions when there really is a direct conflict-the big game is on tonight, but the other person has an event he's been looking forward to for a long time-you might try rating how important your choice is to you on a ten-point scale (where "1" is trivial and "10" is super-important), and have the other person do the same. It is very rare to have two "10" ratings at the same time, so you go with the person who rates it as most important. [I realize that one person could simply say "10" all of the time, but in real life it usually works out equally over the long run.]

Don't forget relaxation

Quick relaxation-perhaps that version where you take a deep breath, hold it three seconds and let it out slowly-can be a big help during disagreement situations. You can take your breath and slowly let it out before you speak up assertively. You can use it in the middle of a conversation without the other person noticing. It's not magic, but it helps you stay calm while disagreeing with somebody.

Slip away

Okay, now this may sound a little silly but, if you start to get upset during a disagreement, one technique is to make an excuse to step out of the room for a minute-"Sorry, need to hit the john." In private, do the deep breath thing and think about something else for a while (count backwards from 100 by 3s if you need to) until you calm down. Just be sure to go back as quickly as you can once you've back to normal. Right before you go back, figure out what you're asking for and how to ask assertively, or else go back and ask if there is anything you can do to please the other person at this point (don't make any promises, you're just trying to help them figure out what it is they want).

Let yourself calm down before doing anything drastic

Always give yourself some cooling down time before saying or doing anything with serious consequences. In the heat of the moment, all kinds of dramatic actions can occur to us--punching out the $#@ (fellow who hath offered offence), quitting your job, telling the other person exactly what you think of them and what their problem is, leaving the church. If the drastic action still looks smart after you've calmed down-well, you can still punch out the $#@, or quit your job. But if the action looks dumb once you calm down, which it usually does-you sure saved yourself a lot of trouble.

Active listening

If you are calm and the other person is upset, sometimes you can help them settle down by a process called "active listening." [However, if you're getting upset along with them, you'd better slip off and calm yourself down before proceeding.] Instead of arguing with the person, or giving advice, or telling the other person to "calm down" (which usually infuriates them), you listen carefully to what they are saying and you let them know you're paying attention.

You don't simply keep your mouth shut while they talk, and you don't just say "I know what you mean." When they finally pause in what they are saying, you prove that you actually understood their point by restating it in your own words. "So the way it looks to you is." "You think he was taking advantage of you." "So it's not just this one time, it looks to you like this is a pattern." You don't have to pretend you agree with them, you are simply demonstrating that you heard them. When you're really skillful with this technique, you can actually help the other people express what they're trying to say better than they were able to.

People often get angry-and yell, or cuss-because they don't think you're paying attention. When you use active listening, they know you're tuned in to what they're saying.

Trouble shooting

If you screw up-maybe "go off" on someone-don't sit around and fuss at yourself. That will actually make you more likely to have problems in the future. Instead, spend your time "trouble-shooting"-figuring out what you could do next time, or could have done this time, to keep that yourself from going off. For instance:

"If had taken a deep breath and let it out slowly right after the disagreement started, or spoken up assertively when he first started doing that weird thing instead of waiting until it was driving me crazy, or if I had calmed down from meeting with Xavier before I tried to handle that situation with Joseph, or maybe if I hadn't sat there mentally calling him "the Devil's tool"

Finally, picture yourself, in your imagination, handling the situation the way you wish you had handled it-then picture it again, and again-it's a type of mental rehearsal.

This procedure increases your chances of acting the way you'd like to in similar situations in the future

.

Special Bonus Technique For Around The House

Sometimes the most difficult people to deal with are those we love most-those wonderful but infuriating people we live with. Fortunately, there's a special technique you can set up with them to increase the chance of peace in the household-it's called a "time-out." This procedure is useful with romantic partners, or teenager types who live with you. Might even be useful for a few saints, if they're roommates. [You usually can't set this up with people who don't live with you-I wouldn't try to get a time-out agreement with that drunk on the subway.] Get the time-out procedure set up while you're between disagreements-don't try to get it going in the middle of an argument, because the other person won't listen to you.

To set up a time-out, go over the rules with the other person. Get them to agree to follow the rules, and make it clear that you will also follow them.

a) Agree on a time-out signal. It should be a neutral signal. [Don't use the finger, it just seems to make things worse.] A lot of people like the hand-signal they use in football. However, if you use it, keep it against your own chest instead of sticking it in the other person's face. Other people prefer to simply say "time-out." The point is, don't just walk off without giving a signal-the other person gets furious. They need to know you will be coming back in a reasonable period of time.

b) Time-out simply means "I need a quick break to cool down, " it doesn't mean that either one of you did anything wrong.

c) Either person can call time-out. If the other person calls it, that's very good news because it means they are really working with you. But you should call a time-out if you start to feel upset. Don't wait until you're ready to punch through the drywall-you won't be able to think straight, because being mad is a lot like being drunk. Do call time-out when you first start to feel ticked-off. If you use this the way I'd like to see you use it, you'll feel like you're playing it overly safe, calling it before you think you really need it.

d) The person who calls time-out is the one who leaves the room (unless both people agreed to something else ahead of time). But you shouldn't go far-next room, back yard, front porch. Stay close enough so that you can quickly return. The person who didn't call time-out stays put, and does not follow the person who called it. This point is crucial, because the whole point is to separate long enough to allow tempers to cool before you resume talking.

e) As you separate, both people try to calm themselves down. Both people take a deep breath, hold it three seconds, and let it out slowly. Both people think about anything besides the disagreement. Distract yourself--read a magazine, pet a dog, count trees. Just don't do mental replays of what just happened or count the ways you were wronged.

f) Time-outs usually last about five minutes. The person who calls time-out stays gone as long as necessary, but comes back as soon as possible. You'll know that it's safe for you to go back when you can spot something you did wrong during the disagreement (shouted, brought up the past, implied your in-laws were outlaws). Go back and apologize ("Sorry I yelled, " or "Sorry I had to call a time-out").

Going-back-in-a-reasonable-period-of-time is the crucial part. If you don't honor the rule, the person will probably follow you the next time the next time you try to call time-out. And that's where a lot of people find out what "harsh" is all about.

The phone version of time-out goes like this: If a quarrel breaks out, either person can say "time-out." The person who calls time-out hangs up, calms down, and must then call back-in a reasonable period of time.

There is still another variation designed for the car, since "leaving the room" is usually not practical on the freeway. Once more, either person can call time-out. Once it is called, the driver watches the road and the other person looks out the side window until "time-in." With both the phone and car versions, each person uses the deep breath and mental distraction to calm down before resuming talking.

The way you'll know you've gotten the hang of all this will be when disagreeing is no big deal to you-when you're not afraid that letting people know what you want will lead to WW III. You'll be quick to speak up, yet be prepared to graciously take "no" for an answer if necessary. And in the same way, you won't get offended if somebody asks you for something, but you'll feel free to say "no" if you want to.

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Sleep Problems
• Disagreeing Agreeably
• Managing Stress With "Self-talk"
• Increasing Kindness, Decreasing Harshness
• Honest Self-esteem

Managing Stress With "Self-talk"

As a man thinketh

What we think about when something goes wrong has a lot to do with whether we get stressed out or not. Blaming, and Dwelling on Problems, are two thinking styles associated with stress, depression, anger-and stupid behavior.

What are these styles? You just might have a problem with Blaming if you sit down in a chair which is already on fire, then try to figure out what kind of sorry human being would burn up furniture. You could be doing a little of that Dwelling-on-Problems thing if you spend weeks worrying about how hard the test is going to be, without ever doing any actual studying.

Blaming involves thinking about who caused the problem instead of what to do about it. When we use Blaming, we might "try the case" in our heads, going over and over the evidence which proves the problem is someone else's fault. Or we might engage in a little mental name-calling, or even cussing. But Blaming is often more subtle. Listen for words like "should, " "ought, " "supposed to, " "right, " or "wrong" as you think about a situation.

Thinking about how bad other people are doesn't make them behave better, and it also doesn't fix the problem. What it does do is to make you feel more stressed out, and it increases the chance that you'll be depressed, anxious--or angry. And when you're angry, even at someone who's not in the room with you, you are less likely to be helpful to those around you and more likely to say or do hurtful things to them. You might be mad at Jack Sprat, and thinking about everything he's done wrong, but end up taking it out on Mother Goose. Incidentally, blaming yourself has much the same effect. It increases stress, makes you more likely to be depressed-and more likely to "go off" on someone. What it doesn't do is fix the problem, or make you less likely to mess up next time. Don't get me wrong-if I thought that kicking yourself around the block would do some good, I'd help you out. Doesn't seem to work that way though.

Brooding, or Dwelling on Problems, also adds to your stress without improving the situation. It's sorta like your engine's racing, but you don't have your clutch engaged. Again, you might take it out on the wrong person. And you won't notice that someone else is hurting if your head is filled with your own troubles.

When we brood, we may notice ourselves using phrases like "I can't stand it." "That's terrible." "I can't put up with this." Such phrases can magnify distress, making us feel as though we were in the middle of a continuous emergency. If you tell yourself "I can't stand it, " there is a part of your head that thinks something big and toothy is about to eat you-and it starts pumping adrenaline. Even when there is a genuinely major problem, brooding can make it worse. If we can "make mountains out of molehills, " imagine what we can do when we start with an actual mountain. The thing is, worry doesn't pay the bills (I've tried it), or make that so-and-so in the next cubicle a nicer person. Doesn't make you less of a screw-up either. Mind you, speaking up and asking someone to change, or figuring out how you can do better next time, might help-that's problem solving, and will not stress you out. But worry by itself doesn't do anything except add to your misery.

I won't say that any situation can be made good by the way you think about it-I don't really believe that. But I will flat promise you that there is no situation that you can't make worse with the wrong thinking style. If you can learn how not to add to your own misery, it gives you some control in any situation.

*

Stillwhat do we do about it? On the one hand, the solution seems simple enough-stop worrying about whose fault something is, or brooding about problems. But if you're asked to not think about elephants. You can't just stop thinking about something, you have to start thinking about something else. The trick is to develop new thoughts that will counteract the anger producing thoughts. Here are five things you might try:

a) Use Problem Solving-What can you personally do, at this point, to make things better? What actions can you take that might be helpful? (Maybe get out of the burning chair? Crack a book?) Any time you notice that you're feeling stressed out, take a look at what you're thinking. If you're thinking about a problem, ask yourself what can be done about it now, at this point in time.

If, for instance, you are worried about bills, ask yourself what steps you can take that might alleviate the problem. Can you do any moonlighting to bring in more money? Can you cut any expenses? Which bills do you have to pay, and which can you let slide? What can you do to keep from getting into this situation again? Even when you're thinking about a dreadful situation, you won't add to your own misery so long as you're focused on what action you can take. And you won't be setting yourself up to make someone else miserable.

If you don't like what the other person is doing, what might you be able to do to get that person to change? Can you talk with them? If so, what approach is most likely to work? Could you talk to a third party and get them to help? Again the stress is on what you can do that might improve the situation. Simply thinking about how wrong the person is does nothing except raise your blood pressure.

b) Use Distraction--Once you've made plans, or have decided that you are already doing everything practical, cut yourself some slack and think about something else. Again, worry doesn't pay the bills.

These distracting thoughts don't have to be bright and beautiful ones. Almost anything that gets your mind off the thing you're upset about will help. If you get angry when you're stuck behind a slow driver, change the channel on the radio, or notice the scenery, or make poker-hands out of car tags. If you are angry or depressed or stressed-out when sitting around the house, read a magazine-or count trees, or count backwards from one hundred by threes (100, 97, uh, 94). Better yet, talk to someone, or get active. Talking to someone or exercising will help. Anything that ties up the mental circuits and drives out the blaming thoughts, or the "ain't it awful" thoughts, would be useful. [Except drinkin' or drugin'. Those seem to make things worse.]

c) Use neutral language when you talk to yourself about a problem. "Let thy speech be 'yea' or 'nay, ' says the Bible. Let your mental speech to yourself be the same-non-inflammatory language. There was an old cop show called "Dragnet, " and the hero-Joe Friday-used to go around saying "just the facts, Ma'm." Play Joe Friday when you talk to yourself-just the facts. If you're not into Joe Friday, play the matter-of-fact, logical Mr. Spock from Star Trek. Not "This is terrible, " or "that's just wrong, " but rather "I don't like this and I'm going to do everything I can to change it." Not "she's lying, " but "I don't believe those are the actual facts; I'd better not rely on her version." Not "he made me mad, " but "I got mad when he said that. How do I keep my cool next time?" [Keep reminding yourself that you have control of your feelings, not these other people.]

d) Avoid Mind-reading-Lose the "why" question, as in "why did she do that?" We know what someone is doing, but we get into trouble when we try to figure out why they're doing it. In my private life, if someone is doing something I don't like and I ask myself why they did it, I always come up with the same answer: "they're doing it on purpose to bug me." In my professional life, despite being a practicing clinical psychologist for way too many years, I'm forced to admit that I don't know why anybody does anything, unless they carefully explain it to me (and even then, I'm not always convinced they really know).

We're just not good at mind reading. If we ask ourselves "why" others do things we don't like, we always come up with an ignoble reason-and then we get more upset. Even if they were really doing it on purpose, to hurt us, why should we help them upset us by dwelling on their motives? Better to think about how to handle the situation. The bottom line, if they're doing something we don't like, is that we don't care why they're doing it-we want them to stop even if they think they have beautiful and lofty reasons for their actions.

e) Stick to one problem at a time, and break problems down as much as possible. Maybe you can't handle everything. But you can probably handle anything. Your mind tends to jump from one problem to another to another and back to the first, without solving any of them. To lower stress on yourself, stick to one problem at a time, think about it long enough to come up with a plan of action, then move to the next problem if you like.

To change your thinking style

Try this. Whenever you feel angry, or depressed, or stressed out, look at what you're thinking about. If you're thinking about a problem, ask yourself what, if anything, you might be able to do at this point to make the situation better. Once you have made your plans, or have decided that you are already doing everything practical, very deliberately get your mind on something else. Listen for thoughts like "that's terrible, " and "I can't stand it." Replace with neutral thoughts like "I don't like it and I'll try to change it." Try to avoid thoughts like "should, " "supposed to, " and "that's not right, " and replace them with neutral "just the facts" language-I don't like what he's doing; is there any way to get him to do something else instead?" To make it easier to distract yourself, get busy--talk to someone, exercise, read, or even count trees.

You can practice this approach while driving to work in the morning, assuming that your roads have their share of bad drivers. When someone cuts you off, or you're stuck behind a slow driver in the fast lane, try controlling what you think-shifting from why did he do that to you, or how bad he is and what you'd like to do to him, to "I wonder if I could make better time if I took that road a block over?" Or "What's on the radio?" or "I wonder if it's going to rain today?" You will probably notice that your trip is less stressful if you stay away from Blaming, Dwelling on Problems or Mindreading.

The real trick is to make the new thinking style a habit-after all, you've had a lifetime to develop your old thinking habits. Be patient with yourself. If-no, when-you slip back into your old style of brooding or blaming, congratulate yourself for catching it, then try to change your thoughts back yet again to Problem Solving or simply some other topic.

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Sleep Problems
• Disagreeing Agreeably
• Managing Stress With "Self-talk"
• Increasing Kindness, Decreasing Harshness
• Honest Self-esteem

Increasing Kindness, Decreasing Harshness

What could people do to avoid treating others harshly in their everyday lives?

Approach I: Counterattack--Increase Helping

To get rid of an old habit you don't like, cultivate a new habit that counteracts it. The opposite of harsh behavior is helpful behavior. Try to increase the number of helpful things you do for others, and you'll probably decrease the number of harsh things you do. If nothing else, maybe no one will notice all the bad stuff you're doing.

How do you increase your helpfulness? Begin by deciding that this is something important to you. Research shows that people are more likely to help others when they strongly valued helping. You might post reminders to be helpful in a prominent location where they will be seen at the start of each day. Religious people could use verses such as "Do unto others..." or "As you did it to the least of these you did it to me..." Beats sticking up one of those "You're about to tread on my last nerve" signs.

There is another technique, one that might sound a little strange at first. But, if you're serious about becoming more helpful to others, it's worth considering. Bribe yourself.

When you do a favor for someone, use the principle of reward to make helping a habit. Always give yourself a mental pat on the back when you give someone a hand. And you might consider material rewards as well. If you go across town to drop off clothes at a shelter, or do volunteer work, you might treat yourself to a special cup of coffee on the way back. Or, if you're doing chores for someone in need, you might listen to your favorite music while you're doing it. You could try a "reverse tithe" in which you set aside ten percent of any money you donate and use this fund for something frivolous you wouldn't normally do for yourself.

But isn't it wrong to reward ourselves for what we should be doing for pure love? As long as you're already helping people as much as you want to, no problem-don't bother paying yourself. But if you'd like to help more than you do now, and are having trouble making yourself do it, the reward system could be a good way to get you started. You could phase out the payoffs once the new habit takes hold.

Some people worry that this type of approach changes superficial behavior without changing basic, underlying personality. Do you really become a kinder, more considerate and altruistic person simply by performing some helpful actions? Here are a couple of things to think about. First, is the point to help others, or to "improve yourself?" Second, you are in control of your actions-you can start doing more things for people right away. But how do you change your personality? And while you wait for that basic personality implant, who is helping the needy in the meantime? But you might discover that, after your behavior has changed for awhile, your personality has also changed.

What we can learn from a seventeenth-century saint.

This set of exercises was developed by Francis de Sales, a seventeenth-century saint renown among his acquaintances for being an unusually considerate and kindly person. Research suggests that the modification of his exercises offered here is effective in increasing helping, and provides some other benefits as well.

At the start of each day, mentally review what you'll be doing all day long and look for potential opportunities to help someone at each stage.

When you drive to work, for instance, you'll probably get a chance to let someone into your lane of traffic. If you usually eat breakfast at a diner, you might want to ask the waitress about her family. When you get to work, you could make it a point to give a kind greeting to that grouch two cubicles over, or deliberately seek out that bore you usually avoid and listen for a few minutes (you can use assertiveness to get away--see the disagreeing agreeably section). You might mention to Sally an upcoming event you think she might enjoy, or show Clive a cartoon you think he'd get a kick out of. You'll notice we're not talking about "sell all your goods and give to the poor" here, but rather minor favors that help to cultivate the habit of thinking of others.

So at the start of each day you do a mental run-through to see if there are predictable situations that would give you a chance to do something for someone. At the end of the day you review, to see how many opportunities you took advantage of and also whether any unexpected situations came up which provided opportunities to help others.

Not content with anecdotes and testimonials, my colleagues and I ran a controlled experiment in which some participants were encouraged to follow a variation of de Sales' exercises for two weeks. Records indicated that helping increased, and scores on a test which measured the extent to which people find life meaningful (Purpose in Life) also increased. [People who were given no exercises, or a different set of exercises, did not increase either helping or scores on the test during the period of the study.]

Try it for yourself. There's reason to think old Francis' technique works.

Approach II: I Think, Therefore I Am All Bent Out of Shape

What we think about when something goes wrong has a lot to do with whether we react harshly or not. Blaming, and Dwelling on Problems, are two thinking styles associated with anger, harsh behavior-and misery. Problem Solving is associated with helping others. The section on Managing Stress With "Self-talk" has got some tips for changing self-destructive thinking styles.

Approach III-Relax, Dude

Here's an extra, something that makes it easier to change anger and self-destructive thoughts, and which lowers stress at the same time. Physically relax-it helps counteract negative emotions such as anger. A lot of elaborate techniques can help you get relaxed, but here's a quickie version that you can use anywhere at any time:

Take a deep breath; b) hold it for three seconds; c) let it out slowly; d) as you let the breath out, allow your shoulders to slump. Also, if you're sitting, lean back; if you're standing, let your arms hang; if you're driving, loosen up your death-grip on the wheel-in other words, let your muscles go a little slack while you breathe out.

This technique isn't magic, and it probably won't make you completely mellow, but it will take things down a couple of notches-it will help reduce the negative feelings to a manageable level. You can use this with the thinking style approach for even better results. Take your deep breath, let it out slowly, then use either problem-solving or distraction.

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Sleep Problems
• Disagreeing Agreeably
• Managing Stress With "Self-talk"
• Increasing Kindness, Decreasing Harshness
• Honest Self-esteem

Honest Self-esteem

Now, some people may wonder whether this is a good thing. "Self-esteem" has gotten a bad rap in many quarters, and is seen as promoting selfishness and blind toleration of one's faults. It is worth noting that self-esteem has been found to be associated not only with competence and high performance, but also with concern for the well-being of others and with greater openness to criticism. As used here, "self-esteem" does not refer to pretending to have virtues one does not possess or to ignoring one's faults. Instead, it refers to recognition of the strengths that one really has and to a belief that one is worthwhile and valuable even if one recognizes flaws that need to be changed.

The basic approach is easy, although the details are important. First, you come up with a list of at least 10 statements about yourself that are both true and positive. Your list should include statements about qualities that you have or things you do that are positive. For instance, if you are active in sports, or study hard, or help other people, or are good at listening to other people's troubles, or are well-groomed, you might want to list these things. If you have trouble coming up with a list of good things about yourself, don't worry. Put down "I am modest, " and read the part entitled "Recognizing your Positive Characteristics" later in this section. Most people have more positive characteristics than they give themselves credit for.

Once you have made your list, read through it twice a day: once in the morning and once at night. Many people find it helps to tape the Self-Esteem Form to the bathroom mirror so they see it in the morning and the evening. Some people find it helps to read through the list before they brush their teeth, so that a well-established habit reminds them of the new exercise. Continue this process for one to two weeks. Two forms are given at the end of this section to help you with this project.

Recognizing your positive characteristics

People sometimes have trouble making a list of things they like about themselves; this is particularly true if their self-esteem is low. The problem is not that they have no strengths, but rather that they have trouble recognizing them. Research shows that people low in self-esteem spend more time thinking about their liabilities than their strong points. However, everybody has assets that can be included in such a list.

The basic guideline is this: if you do something that you would admire in someone else, it belongs on your list. (For instance: "I know Sally is going through a lot right now, but she doesn't let it affect her work;" "Bill may not be the most gifted athlete in the world, but he plays above his level because he puts so much into the game." So if you continue to do your work despite having problems to deal with, or if you put a lot of effort into a game, you would add those statements to your list.) The idea is to give yourself credit for what you actually do without inventing things that are not true. If you exercise, give yourself credit, but you don't have to say you're a great athlete if you're not.

Now you may have special accomplishments-such as playing a musical instrument, or speaking a foreign language, or being active in charity work-that most people don't have. Certainly such activities belong on your list. But don't overlook activities and accomplishments that you may share with others.

All of you reading this can start with the observation that most people in the world cannot read material written at this level. It may be true that most people you know are able to do so, but this does not detract from the fact that it is an accomplishment most people lack. Do not discount accomplishments just because other people you know also have these accomplishments. We all tend to associate with people who have done much of what we have done. U.S. senators, Ph.D.s, great musicians, and prominent scientists all know many people who have done as much as they have.

There are many other accomplishments and activities that people often overlook when they examine themselves:

The ability to maintain a long-term friendship;

The ability to maintain family relationships even when some family members may be

difficult to deal with;

A willingness to help others who need help;

A willingness to listen to those who want to talk about their troubles;

The habit of providing a friendly greeting or a kind word to strangers you encounter

during the day;

The habit of exercising;

The habit of good grooming.

Once you have been working on this project for a while, you may find it easier to add to your list. As your self-esteem goes up, you will find it easier to notice your strong points.

To repeat: in drawing up this list you use genuine assets. You are not simply saying nice things about yourself, you are calling your attention to facts about yourself that are both positive and true.

Other tips for increasing self-esteem

1. Recognize mistakes and try to correct them, but don't dwell on them. Think about mistakes only long enough to figure out how to fix them or how to avoid them next time, then allow yourself to think about other things. Be sure to notice what you did that was constructive and that you might want to do again next time.

2.Don't put negative labels on yourself. If you fail a test, don't say "I'm stupid, " or "I'm just not cut out for school, " but rather "Okay, I need to do this differently next time. Maybe I need to put in more study time, or use a different study strategy." Try to express problems in terms of actions you could change instead of in terms of personal failings.

3. Give yourself credit for what you do right. There are a million ways to screw up. If you accidentally do something constructive, be sure to call your attention to it with a mental "pat on the back." (Hey, I handled that pretty well. I like the way I spoke up before I got upset.) Not only will this build your self-esteem, it will raise your performance level.

4. Give yourself credit for taking steps that will lead to your goal, even if you haven't reached that goal yet. Suppose, for instance, that you wanted to be a millionaire. If you never gave yourself any credit until you had reached your goal, you would probably get discouraged and give up. But if you gave yourself credit for working hard and putting a little money aside, and for investigating ways to use that money to earn more money, you would be much more likely to persist in working towards your goal. And you would build up your self-esteem, which would also make it more likely you would work hard and achieve your goals.

Forms

Self-esteem Form

Statements about yourself that are both true and positive:

1. _______________________________________________________________________

2.________________________________________________________________________

3. ________________________________________________________________________

4. _________________________________________________________________________

5. __________________________________________________________________________

6. ___________________________________________________________________________

7. ___________________________________________________________________________

8. ___________________________________________________________________________

9. ___________________________________________________________________________

10. ___________________________________________________________________________

11. ___________________________________________________________________________

12. __________________________________________________________________________

Keeping Track of Exercises

AM PM

Day 1____________________________________________________________

Day 2 ____________________________________________________________

Day 3 ____________________________________________________________

Day 4 _____________________________________________________________

Day 5 _____________________________________________________________

Day 6 _____________________________________________________________

Day 7 ______________________________________________________________

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Sleep Problems
• Disagreeing Agreeably
• Managing Stress With "Self-talk"
• Increasing Kindness, Decreasing Harshness
• Honest Self-esteem